The Journey of Julian Black: Embracing the Courage to Be Andrew Brookman

I often wonder if fear was ingrained in me from the moment I was born, or if it was something cultivated through my experiences. Regardless, it has been a constant companion throughout my life. From childhood, I was always timid, shy, and deeply introverted. Inside me, however, was a boy – now a man – who longed to break free from that shell. But for most of my life, I couldn’t find the strength to do so.

I came from a dysfunctional family; one filled with loud voices and strong opinions. I was the quiet one, the strange one who didn’t speak much. But no one could see the silent hurt I carried. That hurt grew and stayed with me, and as I entered adulthood, it became clear that one of my greatest struggles was the fear of being who I truly was.

When I began therapy, I opened up about my fears and my attraction to men. I was terrified to show it to the world. My therapist, in her wisdom, reassured me that there were many people just like me – living in the shadows, afraid to be true to themselves. It was comforting to know that I wasn’t alone. Yet, even with this knowledge, the fear held me captive.

This fear led me to make a crucial decision – one that would shape my journey as a writer. I decided to create and write under a pen name: Julian Black.

Julian Black became the alter ego I so desperately needed. He was everything I was not – confident, openly gay, free of the emotional restrictions that had shackled me for so long. Julian didn’t care what others thought of him. He lived unapologetically, not worried about being judged for his sexuality. In my mind, Julian was everything I wished I could be.

But deep down, I knew I had the same strength as Julian. The difference was that my fears, insecurities, and self-doubt were preventing me from embracing that strength. Julian allowed me to express my truths, to pour my heart into my writing without fear of being hurt or isolated. He was my shield, my voice when I couldn’t find mine.

For years, I hid behind Julian, allowing him to take on the persona I couldn’t muster myself. He became the embodiment of everything I wished I could be in the world. But as time passed, I began to realize that the person I had created – though brave and unashamed – was not the true me. Julian was only a part of who I was, a reflection of the strength I had buried inside.

Now, with the publication of my new book, I Was Screaming Inside But Nobody Could Hear Me, Now the World Listens, it feels like the right time to let go of Julian Black. It’s time to step out of the shadows and embrace who I truly am. This book is a testament to the struggles of living in the closet, to the pain and torment of repressing one’s true self for far too long. It explores the effects of that repression on the body and mind and the emotional scars that linger long after the closet door is opened.

Saying goodbye to Julian Black is not easy. But as I take this step forward as Andrew Brookman, I feel a sense of liberation. I am no longer afraid to be who I am. The strength that I once saw in Julian was always within me. Now, I can stand tall and be counted.

The journey from fear to freedom has been long and painful, but it has also been incredibly rewarding. I no longer have to hide. And so, I say farewell to Julian Black, and with that, I embrace the world as Andrew Brookman, ready to share my truth with the world, unashamed and unapologetic.